Sunday, April 28, 2013

what my blog is actually for... we did a simple nature project!

Today was a beautiful spring day! It was well over 70, and I got a bit of a sunburn!

Last night my husband cut down our big tree in the front yard, it was a bitter sweet moment. I hated losing the tree since we do not have much shade around our house... but the wood from the tree will keep us nice and toasty next winter PLUS I am using some of the  branches for my garden fence!

We are building an organic stick with nature (no pun intended) stick fence! So far it is going great, but we have a long way to go.

My husband takes branches from the tree and uses them for the posts, he digs the holes and sets them, and the branch weaving is on me!

I had my baby boy strapped on while I was assembling my masterpiece, he slept off and on and laughed and yelled a bit too. All Iin all, I wish I had accomplished more...but did pretty good for a breastfeeding attachment parent!

The hubby aslo cut me some log stepping stones for the walk way! I am getting so excited for my garden now!

Saturday, April 27, 2013

I am a horrible person, believe it all

Didn't you know, I am a horrible person.
Believe everthing you hear!
I kill puppies, i love to kick old people in the shins,
i feed poison to cute baby kittens ...
I do it all!

I am a witch,  call me a bitch.

If you really feel I am that bad of a person. I dont know what to say...

If you are going to believe the dumbest shit you hear, you are a freakin retard and not  worth my time and efforts anymore- I quit.

So, I spent the day entertaining children that would rather play video  games than play outside...and they chose to make up stories about me.

I thought today was going well.

My big kids got to play with their cousins,
they do not get to see very often.

the kids had fun playing on the trampoline.

 The only thing I saw that should have had anybody a little upset
was when the boys came inside and wanted to play the PlayStation.

I simply said it was beautiful outside and that we don't get to see them very often and I thought it would be better if the kids play outside rather than playing the PlayStation.

The first time I said this, I got a reply that it was okay.
Out they went...
To PLAY and enjoy being together...
It looked like everyone was having fun!

I came inside a bit later
Found hands pawing at my ps3...
I repeated my earlier statement...we do not need video games today...

After i said no...I was asked for a 3rd time that day
They really cant play?

The answer is still no...
Though I would never tolerate my children asking so many times,
I kept a smile on my face, they were company, family...

There was disappointment on his face...I knew I was suddenly the mean "aunt"
I know they don't respect me as their aunt...
I've been in their life since one was 2 and the other was born...
...never mattered...

 but I do not let my children watch the PlayStation be played
I do not agree with children watching violent video games
mostly...
I know my girls really missed them and wanted to play.

The day was wrapping up...
We sat and talked, it went well

Tonight...got a call

"Did Tamika say the boys couldn't use the house bathroom? "

Ummmmmmmm EXCUSE ME???
Who the hell would believe that?

Let me tell you who...a giant dumbass

If you have tha negative opinion of me,
 I'm not going to be able to change it.
I'm not going to even try...

I am DONE...YA HEAR ME???
D O N E

I am done with the negativity,
Done with being treated like crap,
Done with it all

My kids are mine, remember that!



Thursday, April 25, 2013

sick days

Well, most moms know...there is no such thing as a sick day for us. Unfortunately, that doesn't make us any less upset when we feel better and take a look around the house. I started feeling ill Sunday,  felt worse Monday, like death Tuesday,  Wednesday I was feeling more like me, and today (Thursday) I am back to eating and feel like I am about myself again. Now when I say sick, I mean fall on flu symptoms. Hot, cold, fever, chills, body aches, weakness, dizzy spells.lucky for me, my nursing baby nursed more, and slept more too! On tuesday, I was upset to nitice I was starting my cycle...I did the math and realized it was about 3 weeks since I last had the "flu".nathan has been wondering how I've gotten sick so much this year, nobody else has been so sick...but then the pieces started clicking into place. My flu symptoms come on without notice, like the normal flu. Each month they are getting worse. April 2nd, my symptoms came on as I was leaving the la leche league meeting, and about crippled me on my way out the door, got hone with a high fevet and went to bed.....within 24 hrs I was fine. This time was a totally different ball game! I have been sick for days! Something is going on...how do I fix it?
My house needs cleaning, some of my plants died as nobody thought to water them...makes me sad as our veggie garden is important to me!
Hopefully I will get the house back in order soon.
Much to do...my oldest baby is 7 next month...my gpa turns 70 2 days after that...lots to plan...no sick days, too much work to do.

Monday, April 22, 2013

just my day

so this post isn't anything special. I'm just going to talk about my day, my weekend and whatever's on my mind.
this weekend, we went to Menards and bought the building supplies for working on our pantry and garage. When we got home our neighbor showed us his new new ducklings and baby chicks.
my mom and little brother met us at Menards the kids had fun hanging out with them. My girls absolutely hate menards,  so it was a nice treat
sunday, Nathan was able to get one of the shelving units built in the garage.
we found out this weekend that one off the young children at school has a brain tumor and it is cancer. I can't help but feel for the family. Life truly is not fair. We are praying for the child and the family. We really hope that's a child is not in a lot of pain. I cannot nor would I ever want to imagine the pain family feels right now...I really don't even know the right things to say. I am so grateful and lucky my kids are healthy and I hope that never changes. Tomorrow is never a guarantee, we all need to remember this everyday.
Torrin is on the floor playing with his toys right now I'm laying next to him and he is ignoring me. He knows I'm here though.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

finding a friend

So, finding friends is hard as a mom. When you are in school, friends are easy to find, but when you become a mom, , those "friends" you thought you had seem to disappear.  It is damn near impossible to be friends with someone who isn't a mom. Try as we might, it is also hard to be friends with moms who have totally different beliefs when it comes to raising children. I will take people as they are, until I feel judged...nobody likes to feel judged, but being judged as a mother,  that is the worst. feeling judged as a mom is like judging my job performance and me as a person times 10+...I am a mom first, it is who I am, it effects all my choices and decisions.  Now, I know there are hundreds of magazines and websites about not letting being a mom define you as a person...not letting it be all you are. Question, why is it a doctor can put a big "Dr." In front of their name and wear it as a badge, it is who they are,  even walking through the grocrry aisles...but a mom being a mom is degrading to women?
Back to what I was saying, nobody wants to be judged, but I will admit I do judge from time to time.
I have a hard time keeping friends once I open my mouth it seems. I don't really understand how "natural" parents can use government assistance as their life line. (Or any parent for that matter) now, dont get me wrong, I have used food stamps for a short time, and I have had badgercare for my kids-but it was temporary and we did what we could to get off it. I hated being on assistance, I felt like I shouldn't have had kids if I couldn't afford to care for them...but shit happens! We were well off, and then we weren't.  I worked less than pretty jobs, as did Nathan, but we did it to get off assistance and to keep a roof over the kids heads and food in their bellies.
 I am happy we live in a country where we can help those who need it, we can save innocent lives and I am proud of that...but so many able bodied people sit on their backsides instead of working for their family. I really think dads should be held more accountable for their kids, as should the moms who get pregnant when not married. I know Shit happens, but I do not feel they should be able to live off the system forever. I don't understand why we are not pushing more moms to breastfeed. If we helped single moms establish breastfeeding instead of giving them free formula,  the country would be better for it. I also think if someone wants birth control ( though I do not believe in medication as my body doesn't like it...) like a vasectomy,  or tubes tied...they should be able to get it. Yes, it is expensive, but it is cheaper than raising unplanned kids for them.
Back to food and regulations, why aren't we pushing schools to have gardens, not only could it save money, but I think the kids could learn where food comes from and be healthier. Community gardens woulx be next! Instead of handing out plastic cards loaded with huge amounts of money on them...used to purchase JUNK... have a community garden. If you want food, you help with the garden!  If fresh fruits and veggies and wild gsme meats are good enough for my organic df/gf family, I think they should be good enough for families that cannot afford food. Hunters could donate wild game, farmers could donate old hens or extra eggs...tax write off. We could save so much money!   we would only be offering healthy food...what is wrong with that?  My bet would be many retired people would donate some labor or knowledge, could can fresh fruits and veggies and freeze them as well. I know none of this is cheap, but in the long run it would be! Health savings, food savings....hell, it could be an excellent opportunity to teach kids and moms more! If we must cut corners, only allow so many canned jars per family, or have them pay a deposit of $1/jar...enough to replace jars if lost or broken, saves on recycling and trash and just waste in general. We seriously need to go back to working together,  yea big corporate is convenient,  but why pay wal-mart when you could help your neighbor? We need more of a homestead type community!  We can still be technologically advanced and down to earth!  For the health of our nation, our people...it just makes sense!
Now, im all off track and over the board again...but I feel it is important to show what I mean...I lose friends because of my opinion...n my opinion is this: we need to work together to save our people, to save us money, to have healthy familes free of government assistance...am I wrong?

Sunday, April 14, 2013

I don't needs meds...

so I sit here and I realize I don't need medication I'm probably not depressed...I just miss my husband. I got thinking and it makes sense I'm usually okay for the first two or three days. Come day 3&4 and I am a basket crazy Looney nutjob. Nathan has been in my life for almost 11 years we have had our ups and downs what we do best when we're together. every time he has left for more than a few days either got cranky and moody or some other bad things. I breastfeed Torrin and we cosleep so obviously I'm not going to find myself at the bottom of a bottle. I feel pathetic for saying this and it probably makes me a lesser person but I need my husband. I've never really had problems in life unless he has been gone. I felt like a Giant sap, but nathan is my concrete my glue my support...he keeps me from falling apart.

postpartum rage...

This is an edit here at the top...i got obsessed with how upset i was that i never mentioned how well our night last night was..

Last night we watched Curly Sue as a family. The girls sat through the whole thing, they loved it! At the end Zariah cried...happy tears, I must be doing something right...she is sensitive and caring. We all 4 slept together in my big bed...it was nice, now I feel even more like a bitch fornhaving written What follows...I am jot going to deletenit, because I know I am not the only mom out there that has had these ups and downs. I am human...man I love my kids

Original post

This is going to be a post where I kind of hope nobody reads it. I am pretty sure I have what the psycho babble b******* people would call postpartum rage.

I feel like a horrible mom and I'm sure my kids think I am too. Every little thing pisses me off. Craft time pisses me off, the kids laughing pisses me off the kids playing nice together it pisses me off. They can't play nicely and quietly at the same time which makes my head spin. I love these kids so much I don't understand the way I feel. It feels like they're out to get me like they don't care how I feel that they are purposely trying to p*** me off.

I say clean up your mess and they don't. I say be quiet go to sleep and they sit in there and giggle and laugh. part of me feels like they're laughing at me and I know it isn't right. I say things I don't want to, I feel like I have no sensor...what good mom would talk to their children the way I have talked to mine? The answer, no good mom, I am a horrible mom.
I feel helpless...I am not this person...it isn't me at all. The thing is, I know I'd never physically hurt my children but I'm scared I may have emotionaly already... I remember my moms fits of rage...they were scary and I thought she was nuts...I don’t want my kids acting like this with their kids...FUCK

I sit here and I just want to cry. I Love these kids so damn much...i would do anything for them. Im Scared to death that something bad could ever happen to them...what is the bad thing is having me for their mom? I want a good relationship with all of my kids...I dont want to hurt them emotionally or psychology.

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/robin-farr/postpartum-rage-new-mothers_b_2958346.html?show_comment_id=244979446&just_reloaded=1#comment_244979446

I found the above link...and reading it made me wanna cry...what kind of help are they talking about? I'm sure as hell not going on drugs, I tried an anti depressant after Zariah was born and it made me feel crazier...I don't even take Tylenol.

part of me blames society.what the hell happened to support? Why is it that people adk you how things are, but they don't really want to know...Why is it that being a mom and raising children is so lonely? I'm back to doing what I know is right for my kids which includes a proper diet me being home not partying not going off with friends and I'm depressed. I don't have a support system I don't have people I can tell this to. I **** to my husband about how I feel and I feel horrible for b******* to him in the first place. All i accomplished is him being afraid to leave me alone with his kids. If I heard him go off the handle the way I do I wouldn't leave him alone with the kids. I know this is wrong I know it is not okay to talk the way I talk or feel the way I feel. I really don't know what to do.
right now the dog is whining because she wants to eat and I just want to shoot her in the head I don't feel like I should have to feed her considering she raided my trash can I got stuck picking up nasty old rappers.

I'm looking online and it seems this is very common which should make me feel better but it doesn't. It looks like everybody gets put on medication I don't want to be on medication. I guess I'm going to have to start walking...I cant go on being this mean to the little people I vow to protect.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

ready for the hubby to come home

I am just plain ready for nathan to get his butt home. I am strong and independent but I do not enjoy being single.  My kids will probably hate me by the time their father returns. I have always been proud of myself as a mother because I had well disciplined kids, they listened the first time and did what was expected....well, I must be slacking because I have gotten more back talking and just been flat out ignored more I  the last week than I will tolerate... which leaves me with my bitch face on. I have tried the gentle parenting,  and I am sorry but it doesn't work! My kids will respect me or they will sit their happy asses in the corner.
They don't watch tv, they don't play video games,  they have to earn that right by behaving. I know most people will look at my kids and think, wow, what good kids....so I am doing something right, but I will not tolerate being ignored or disrespected by any child.
I love love love my kids....more than life! I know they do not ruin my stuff on purpose, but their lack of respect for other people's things really irks me.
I feel like a horrible mom because of all of the above I ahave written...my kids are all great! Ijust need to enforce the rules harder I guess...I want my kids to know that I do love them, and always will...I also need themnto abide by the rules and know ignoring me will have consequences.
Have I mentioned I hate crafts? My girls love them,  I hate them.  I buy them craft stuff, they do crafts,  my house gets trashed and things get ruined.  I love that they play nice while doing crafts and they use their imaginations,  but again they ignore everything around them and ruin things.  Oh, I hate play doh too...I am thinking my kids can play outside...inside stuff just pisses me off.
Mom of the year, I accept the nomination...ha

I need my other half to come home and do his half or quarter of the parenting...I know he is only hlme a few hrs a day...and most parenting falls on me...but the support is needed

Thursday, April 11, 2013

too much time to think

Well, I dropped Nathan off at the Airport Tuesday he will be home Monday. He is enjoying the awesome weather while we freeze in Wisconsin. I wish we could all be in Arizona together.
 All I can think about is gardening and how to make my garden look good and be productive. I also know that I really want a cute iron bistro set.I have been on Pinterest and Craigslist looking for ideas and cheap buys.
Zariah is having a friend over tomorrow. not much excitement going on with us...

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

mad at myself

♡♡Well, I went to Burnstad's and now I am mad at myself.  I spent 70 dollars and am not sure what I got. I do know I got 4 meals for the dogs and that was about 10 dollars... but when I was there I remembered Zariah wanted dumpling soup...to make dumpling soup I need gf pancake mix($5)...to use up the rest of the mix I needed syrup (which btw is slmost 10 $)....soup also means I needed a chicken ($7)...so tonight we have chicken and tomorrow I will make stock and then soup. I will have a happy child but I really only got 2 dinners worth of food for the humans in this house. Now, to make the dumplings I also needed almond milk...it all adds up so fast! I want to be self sufficient and not need the store but right now we do not have our own food. I am really hoping this garden works out and that Nathan is successful in hunting and fishing this year.
I also I know I can stretch a chicken further than 2 meals but probably won't. We will probably eat on it for lunch one day or more since Zarina will be home the rest of the week with me.
The thing I hate about thr grocery store is that when you are in thete you think you need backup meals...my go to easy backup meal is spaghetti. ($4 noodles, $3 sauce) not bad but considering I had to pick up organic fruits n veggies...the trip got expensive fast.
10 oz bag of strawberries wsa on sale for 3 $ not the best sale price but we needed them, same for the other berries. I can make the girls a smoothie and know they are getting enough vitamins and a decent meal to tie them over.
So, needless to say YES anyone can afford to shop organic where it counts, but it is hard to do in this town and on an empty stomach!♥♥

ready for the change

I want to apologize right now, I am using a tablet to write this, and I am using the voice to text option.
 I could not be more ready for our families big change. I'm ready to pull my kids from school, and to teach them how to live a responsible life.

As most people know I purchase mostly organic for our household.

Purchasing organic food can be expensive and sometimes hard to find in rural Wisconsin. I really wish more local stores stocked up on local produce during the summer and kept it in the freezer section.
 I would really love to support local farmers verses big corporate ones.
I need to head into town to pick up more organic fruit for the girls lunches. I know it is going to be expensive but we have made cut backs in other areas.

I hate when people say they cannot afford to buy organic produce because it is not more expensive to eat organic if you put down the bag of cheese puffs. I am really hoping my garden does well this year, I say this looking out my window, and there is ice on the ground yet again.I really feel more and more that people will learn to grow their own food and to eat organic or local more as a requirement than by choice.eventually, people have to realize, it is cheaper to eat organic than to be fat, unhealthy,  and on a million medications. I hate that people think I am an extremist or over the top, but at the same time I don't really care I know I am doing what is right for me.
I just read a short article about organic being OK or not and it really does fall back on buying local whenever possible. I ran into somebody in the store yesterday,they have a child who can no longer handle gluten either. you would think we would connect on a level or two, however I did not understand her way of thinking. I don't get how if your child can't handle something why you would just look for an unhealthy alternative. Be the parent, tell your child no. it is not necessary to eat bread, yes it tastes good but it doesn't mean you have to have it. how can you say you can't afford to buy organic produce for your large family but you can purchase  a few bags of unhealthy chicken nuggets? it takes a lot more unhealthy food to feed a large family than to purchase healthy organic food for the same people.
that $3 bag of potato chips may look cheap until you realize it's going to take two bags to feed your family and that's not even a meal it is junk. How about taking the $6 you just spent and put it into some healthy fruits and veggies.
I am NOT A saint we buy stuff that is not considered healthy from time to time but you have to start somewhere.
http://www.slowfoodusa.org/index.php/slow_food/blog_post/is_organic_better/
this is the article I mentioned.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Easter and break

Well, Saturday we went to the in-laws for Easter. We managed to eat gluten free (I ate dairy free as well). They did fix macaroni salad but I did not allow the girls to eat it. They have been gf for over a week and I did not want them going backwards.
As of today-Monday-everyone is to be completely and totally df/gf. The milk is gone from the house so no more dairy. I hate sending the kids to school since it is so much harder to keep tabs on them. I sent Zarina with a lunch bag that weighs as much as she does. Potato salad, salami, cookie (healthy p.b. oats cookie) and some other stuff.
Zariah is home sick. She had a fever Saturday at the in-laws she was "cold" but when we got home and checked her-she was at 98 degrees-1/2 hr later she was at 103 degrees. We got it under control with cool cloth and thought she was fine Sunday (Easter). Sunday-she woke up and played, found her Easter basket and eggs and played on the trampoline. We got the bedroom sorted (old clothes out new clothes in) and she went to sleep in a silly (funny) mood. This morning Nathan woke me up saying Zariah was throwing up. She told me she threw up in the night (AND DIDN'T WAKE ME-I WANTED TO CRY). Right now, Zariah is sipping chamomile tea w/ honey-I really did not know what else to give her that wasn't full of preservatives, food dyes and CRAP. I am hoping nobody else gets this. Vicki told me about a 1 y/o that was hospitalized for "intestinal" issues (diarrhea and fever) and was severely dehydrated. I am SO scared for this to happen to Torrin.

Not sure if I posted this in my other posts-but last week was Spring break and the girls had a blast. It went way too fast...I cannot wait to have them home with me all the time. We went to bounce bounce, did crafts and just HUNG OUT. Floyd and Nathan got the trampoline up yesterday-QUICKLY too. I was so happy (not as happy as the girls) that they got it up even though it was 40 degrees, windy and just plain crappy out! The girls played for hours! Nathan and I both took turns playing with them too!!