Sunday, April 14, 2013

postpartum rage...

This is an edit here at the top...i got obsessed with how upset i was that i never mentioned how well our night last night was..

Last night we watched Curly Sue as a family. The girls sat through the whole thing, they loved it! At the end Zariah cried...happy tears, I must be doing something right...she is sensitive and caring. We all 4 slept together in my big was nice, now I feel even more like a bitch fornhaving written What follows...I am jot going to deletenit, because I know I am not the only mom out there that has had these ups and downs. I am I love my kids

Original post

This is going to be a post where I kind of hope nobody reads it. I am pretty sure I have what the psycho babble b******* people would call postpartum rage.

I feel like a horrible mom and I'm sure my kids think I am too. Every little thing pisses me off. Craft time pisses me off, the kids laughing pisses me off the kids playing nice together it pisses me off. They can't play nicely and quietly at the same time which makes my head spin. I love these kids so much I don't understand the way I feel. It feels like they're out to get me like they don't care how I feel that they are purposely trying to p*** me off.

I say clean up your mess and they don't. I say be quiet go to sleep and they sit in there and giggle and laugh. part of me feels like they're laughing at me and I know it isn't right. I say things I don't want to, I feel like I have no sensor...what good mom would talk to their children the way I have talked to mine? The answer, no good mom, I am a horrible mom.
I feel helpless...I am not this isn't me at all. The thing is, I know I'd never physically hurt my children but I'm scared I may have emotionaly already... I remember my moms fits of rage...they were scary and I thought she was nuts...I don’t want my kids acting like this with their kids...FUCK

I sit here and I just want to cry. I Love these kids so damn much...i would do anything for them. Im Scared to death that something bad could ever happen to them...what is the bad thing is having me for their mom? I want a good relationship with all of my kids...I dont want to hurt them emotionally or psychology.

I found the above link...and reading it made me wanna cry...what kind of help are they talking about? I'm sure as hell not going on drugs, I tried an anti depressant after Zariah was born and it made me feel crazier...I don't even take Tylenol.

part of me blames society.what the hell happened to support? Why is it that people adk you how things are, but they don't really want to know...Why is it that being a mom and raising children is so lonely? I'm back to doing what I know is right for my kids which includes a proper diet me being home not partying not going off with friends and I'm depressed. I don't have a support system I don't have people I can tell this to. I **** to my husband about how I feel and I feel horrible for b******* to him in the first place. All i accomplished is him being afraid to leave me alone with his kids. If I heard him go off the handle the way I do I wouldn't leave him alone with the kids. I know this is wrong I know it is not okay to talk the way I talk or feel the way I feel. I really don't know what to do.
right now the dog is whining because she wants to eat and I just want to shoot her in the head I don't feel like I should have to feed her considering she raided my trash can I got stuck picking up nasty old rappers.

I'm looking online and it seems this is very common which should make me feel better but it doesn't. It looks like everybody gets put on medication I don't want to be on medication. I guess I'm going to have to start walking...I cant go on being this mean to the little people I vow to protect.

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