Tuesday, May 28, 2013

eventually...

Eventually...this blog will be a blog instead of my online diary...right now, my life is crazy and not simple...as I write this, I am eating a dfgf non organic cupcake...hoping to wash away some of my pain and self doubt with chocolate and a sugar high!

Yesterday,  my oldest....she turned 7! You read that right SEVEN! I cannot believe she is 7, I have been a mom for 7 years! At the same time, it feels like longer, she is a permanent part of my life, I don't remember my life before kids, I don't think my life mattered then. She can be crazy and immature, but seem older and so matuer a second later. She is compassionate and caring...she often seems like an old soul. She is a great kid, and I am hoping I help her become an amazing woman!

Sunday, we celebrated my daughters bday, with my grandpa's 70th in la crosse. His birthday is tomorrow! The party was good, but my brother (the one having a baby...) didn't show up, and has not been returning phone calls!  I waited and waited yesterday for him to call Zariah, or to show up...he never did...I am hurt. What could I have said or done to make my brother ignore his neice? She sure as hell didn't do anything! Zariah had a good bday, we got her monkey bars, she got a bunch of games and craft stuff from my mom, and nathans parents got her a tower we built attached to the monkey bars. She loved her gifts...but she is old enough to realize her uncle was a no show...and he didn't even make time to call her. he promised her a go-cart...I explained to her that he may not get her the gift...but I know she still hoped he would come see her.

Nathan's brother sent a gift to their parents house...I'm guessing to make sure we let Zariah have it...they still have not returned a phone call, and still think im a horrible person. They also did not call to wish zariah happy birthday...that runs the risk of me answering the phone I guess. I guess we will see how they handle Torrin's 1st bday.
I had kind of hoped they would not send cards or gifts anymore and we could go on pretending they do not exist, only communicate regarding the house, since we were idiots and bought on land contract from people who hate me! I already know how the kids feel about me, they hate me enough to make up lies, saying horrible things about me. still unsure what to think or do...
I'm a family person...I want family to come first always. It just never does anymore. Is it weird that I miss my grandma so much right now?

My brother...my father...my brother-in-law...they all want nothing to do with me, I can't help
 But feel like my husband and childen could have a happier life if I wasn't *me*...

My kids keep me alive
I'm not suicidal
I'm just honest
I would never do something that would take me away from my kids
If I wasn't a mom...I would probably try to numb myself fro what I feel right now
I am lucky to have my children...
I am far from a perfect mom...but I dont want anyone else to raise them,
Nobody can love them like I do
I owe my kids my life

Saturday, May 25, 2013

crazy...but not very damn simple!

Okay,so most people that know me or talk to me will quickly learn that I worry about money all of the time.
It doesn't matter if I have a dollar in my bank account or a thousand dollars in my bank account, I worry about money.
My biggest expense it seems, FOOD and going to get food! I am horrible at meal planning. I want to see my family eat nutritious meals that are also organic when possible. We are all out of venison, which we love because it is organic and darn near free.
I am hoping our garden does well this year because our next biggest money spender other than organic meat is organic potatoes and tomatoes. When we do not have venison, potatoes and tomatoes, I seriously do not know what to fix for dinner.
Before we were gluten and dairy free, meals seemed a lot easier to plan, now that we try to eat healthier it is so hard to plan a meal. Organic chicken is hard to find and if I buy it in town it is $11 for one pound, enough to make me wish I was a vegetarian. On that note, I could never be a vegetarian. I do not like vegetables!  I can eat them mixed in stuff but not by themselves.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

crazycrazycrazy

life is crazy. I found out today my little brother got his girlfriend pregnant. I'm happy if he's happy but I'm also scared. I did not know I would be scared when my brother told me he would be having a baby. I find myself very protective of my brother even though he is an adult. We have always been very close and I always considered us really good friends.

In the past year we have spoken lesst and less and I have just felt a distance. I know he is super busy because he works weird hours, he bought a house... I am very proud of him. I also know he has to stretch himself thin  because our parents are not together,I do not have a relationship with my father and he does. So between my moms house my father's house my house family events him having a girlfriend and friends and a life, we do not see much of each other.

When I say I am scared, I mean I don't want to see anything bad happen to my brother. I know he loves his girlfriend very much but it scares me because they are not married ...i know to some marriage is a piece of paper...but infeel it is admitting to the world you are tying yourself to that oerson for good...that you can't just throw in the towel at an argument fight like house to get out of a marriage. It's really easy to walk away from a relationship until there is paperwork involved.  they have not made a decision to be married yet and I wouldn't want a baby to be the deciding factor.
at the risk of sounding patty I am going to admit I am jealous.I also feel a bit left out because she is very close with her family and I don't feel like I will be needed.to be honest I'm scared because I'm not going to be allowed as much of a role in my brothers baby's life as her sisters will be and it makes me sad. I know this is not about me,it's about them and I want what is best for her my brother and the baby. I want to be an aunt I just hope they let me. we do not have a relationship with Nathan brothers kids and I I have tried. I want my niece or nephew to know that I love them and to know who I am and who their cousins are. I don't want them thinking their family is only on their mother side. I Have dreams about what life would be like when both of my brothers started having families. I had always hoped we would be setting aside time to do things as a family and I just don't know if that's going to happen. My kids love my brother so much as do I. But we don't see him. I want to be involved in my niece or nephews life...I want to be invited to every birthday  party, every recital, every program I want to have the opportunity to be a constant part in my brothers child's life.

I'm scared because I don't want him to raise a child the way we were raised. I want to know they're going to be together for ever so the child won't have a broken home. I'm sure this is not a very healthy response to hearing the news of a baby. But my instinct is to protect my brother and to worry about what will happen to him and to me.

I guess all I can do is pray and hope that the pregnancy goes well for them and that they realize how much love I have to give and how much it would mean to me and my children to be a big part in their child's life.

Friday, May 10, 2013

a crazier simple man!

so, as most would suspect with me having an 8 month old to keep busy, my husband is the one taking most of the lead with the gardening.

What people may not know is that he was actually a motorcycle mechanic and now he works tech support for a motorcycle company.
This does not scream crazy simple life style but it pays the bills.

One thing people may not know about my husband but it is one thing I absolutely love, is that he had a great relationship with his grandparents. His parents had him when they were little bit older, his brother is 10 years older than him.
My husband's grandparents passed away a while ago now and I know he thinks about them all the time. Charlotte passed before we got married, we named our first daughter after her. Nathan and Charlotte had a wonderful relationship they played games together and one of his fondest memories is bird watching.

Yesterday my husband disappeared for a while, I hit the horn on the truck several times trying to get his attention. Normally this works,I hit the beeper...he comes running in from the garage...this did not work yesterday. When he finally did come in he presented us with a peanut butter log which is made for the birds. it is such a simple bird feeder, it looks cute, and the best part...is that the birds love it. He also presented me with an Oriole feeder. Another crazy simple bird feeder!  it is made from our leftover scrap wood from projects! The bird feeder roof

is made out of our bamboo flooring, the pegs for the birds stand on are the branches I'm using to make my fence.

on another note, one thing (probably the only thing...) i am going to miss about my kids being in public school is the surprise memory gifts! Zariah brought me home a beautiful letter and a cup of dirt...she says it is a sunflower!
I took a picture of it in case anything ever happens to it...it is so sweet!
(i felt horrible because she was a bear last night and i had to send her to bed early...)

Caught one...
Caught 2!

Thursday, May 9, 2013

man have we been busy

man have we been busy. The husband took a few days off work so we could get some gardening stuff done. I know we've got a lot done but there's still so much to do. We got the garden All tilled,  and we also got some of the planting done. We went to the dump and got a bunch of mulch but have to go back and get a lot lot more. Yesterday was our first mowing of the year, and I also picked up a new hummingbird feeder. The hummingbird Juice is on the stove right now. The Oriole's have been at the oranges, and we have just had a large amount of birds at the feeders. Zarina brought me home a mothers day gift it was beautiful and inside was a marigold plant.I planted my other mothers day gift that I got to pick out which was my rose trees.
I am soaking some raw cashews and almonds right now hopefully making a cheese free dairy free gluten free cheesecake we will see how that turns out.