Thursday, May 16, 2013

crazycrazycrazy

life is crazy. I found out today my little brother got his girlfriend pregnant. I'm happy if he's happy but I'm also scared. I did not know I would be scared when my brother told me he would be having a baby. I find myself very protective of my brother even though he is an adult. We have always been very close and I always considered us really good friends.

In the past year we have spoken lesst and less and I have just felt a distance. I know he is super busy because he works weird hours, he bought a house... I am very proud of him. I also know he has to stretch himself thin  because our parents are not together,I do not have a relationship with my father and he does. So between my moms house my father's house my house family events him having a girlfriend and friends and a life, we do not see much of each other.

When I say I am scared, I mean I don't want to see anything bad happen to my brother. I know he loves his girlfriend very much but it scares me because they are not married ...i know to some marriage is a piece of paper...but infeel it is admitting to the world you are tying yourself to that oerson for good...that you can't just throw in the towel at an argument fight like house to get out of a marriage. It's really easy to walk away from a relationship until there is paperwork involved.  they have not made a decision to be married yet and I wouldn't want a baby to be the deciding factor.
at the risk of sounding patty I am going to admit I am jealous.I also feel a bit left out because she is very close with her family and I don't feel like I will be needed.to be honest I'm scared because I'm not going to be allowed as much of a role in my brothers baby's life as her sisters will be and it makes me sad. I know this is not about me,it's about them and I want what is best for her my brother and the baby. I want to be an aunt I just hope they let me. we do not have a relationship with Nathan brothers kids and I I have tried. I want my niece or nephew to know that I love them and to know who I am and who their cousins are. I don't want them thinking their family is only on their mother side. I Have dreams about what life would be like when both of my brothers started having families. I had always hoped we would be setting aside time to do things as a family and I just don't know if that's going to happen. My kids love my brother so much as do I. But we don't see him. I want to be involved in my niece or nephews life...I want to be invited to every birthday  party, every recital, every program I want to have the opportunity to be a constant part in my brothers child's life.

I'm scared because I don't want him to raise a child the way we were raised. I want to know they're going to be together for ever so the child won't have a broken home. I'm sure this is not a very healthy response to hearing the news of a baby. But my instinct is to protect my brother and to worry about what will happen to him and to me.

I guess all I can do is pray and hope that the pregnancy goes well for them and that they realize how much love I have to give and how much it would mean to me and my children to be a big part in their child's life.

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