Tuesday, May 28, 2013

eventually...

Eventually...this blog will be a blog instead of my online diary...right now, my life is crazy and not simple...as I write this, I am eating a dfgf non organic cupcake...hoping to wash away some of my pain and self doubt with chocolate and a sugar high!

Yesterday,  my oldest....she turned 7! You read that right SEVEN! I cannot believe she is 7, I have been a mom for 7 years! At the same time, it feels like longer, she is a permanent part of my life, I don't remember my life before kids, I don't think my life mattered then. She can be crazy and immature, but seem older and so matuer a second later. She is compassionate and caring...she often seems like an old soul. She is a great kid, and I am hoping I help her become an amazing woman!

Sunday, we celebrated my daughters bday, with my grandpa's 70th in la crosse. His birthday is tomorrow! The party was good, but my brother (the one having a baby...) didn't show up, and has not been returning phone calls!  I waited and waited yesterday for him to call Zariah, or to show up...he never did...I am hurt. What could I have said or done to make my brother ignore his neice? She sure as hell didn't do anything! Zariah had a good bday, we got her monkey bars, she got a bunch of games and craft stuff from my mom, and nathans parents got her a tower we built attached to the monkey bars. She loved her gifts...but she is old enough to realize her uncle was a no show...and he didn't even make time to call her. he promised her a go-cart...I explained to her that he may not get her the gift...but I know she still hoped he would come see her.

Nathan's brother sent a gift to their parents house...I'm guessing to make sure we let Zariah have it...they still have not returned a phone call, and still think im a horrible person. They also did not call to wish zariah happy birthday...that runs the risk of me answering the phone I guess. I guess we will see how they handle Torrin's 1st bday.
I had kind of hoped they would not send cards or gifts anymore and we could go on pretending they do not exist, only communicate regarding the house, since we were idiots and bought on land contract from people who hate me! I already know how the kids feel about me, they hate me enough to make up lies, saying horrible things about me. still unsure what to think or do...
I'm a family person...I want family to come first always. It just never does anymore. Is it weird that I miss my grandma so much right now?

My brother...my father...my brother-in-law...they all want nothing to do with me, I can't help
 But feel like my husband and childen could have a happier life if I wasn't *me*...

My kids keep me alive
I'm not suicidal
I'm just honest
I would never do something that would take me away from my kids
If I wasn't a mom...I would probably try to numb myself fro what I feel right now
I am lucky to have my children...
I am far from a perfect mom...but I dont want anyone else to raise them,
Nobody can love them like I do
I owe my kids my life

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