Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Self abuse...am I good enough? (lots of random thoughts-can you keep up?)

So, today is pick on myself day. I am questioning everything I do or might do. I am my own worst enemy.

Torrin has a mild fever and is extra whiney, there is a fly that keeps trying to land on my face, and I just do not have the patience for any of it.

Torrin's party is this Saturday, and in all honesty I am not very excited. I would rather have just my family (my kids and hubby) go to the park and have fun. I know the family likes to celebrate with us, but it seriously stresses me out.

I understand having a "treat" from time to time, but I hate compromising our eating habits to suit others-and cannot afford to feed others as we feed ourselves. Birthdays bring more junk, my kids do not need more junk. I do know that everyone means well, but my family gets by just fine without new toys or clothes for holidays and birthdays.

I honestly hate the idea of trying to tidy my house for others to come over-when I cannot even keep it cleaned up for US. We live here, we should have it at its best-why do I care what others think about how I live? You should see how it looks right now-B A D.

As for questioning all of my decisions, it stems from my choice in schooling my children. (It started last night)

There are a few bloggers I enjoy following, they do however, make me feel a bit inadequate and sort of like a failure.

I have this "picture" in my head of how I want to raise my family, it involves lots of laughter, fun memories, learning and enjoying learning, living off the land, nurturing good honest people into adulthood, living a green life, knowing and appreciating the land and the animals that give their lives for us to survive...you get the picture.

My life is not that!
That is what I WANT, but not what I have.

We eat sugar-it is organic-but it is sugar, I have not learned how to use honey or syrup in place of it!

We have plastic bags-I cringe at the thought, but how the hell am I going to freeze my harvest (when we cannot get it all canned with an almost 1 year old at my side 24/7-and I am not about to let him cry it out-or get burned in the process) without plastic bags?

I DRANK A PEPSI (throwback-real sugar-but still) every day for the past week-I know it is BAD-but seriously, it tasted good, and I do not want to lose more weight-so the extra calories, I convince myself are a good thing!

I BOUGHT plastic bottles of water at (OH LORD-OF ALL PLACES) WALMART yesterday for the DAMN birthday party I have to throw. I HATE/DISPISE/CRINGE/CANNOT STAND the thought of going into Wal-Mart-but we live in Richland Center, and where else was I going to go to get shin guards without spending a fortune, on short notice?

We are not over scheduled-but Zariah started soccer yesterday, and she needed shin guards!

I Drive a BIG ASS DIESEL TRUCK...and I LOVE IT! I love my truck-I would never own a gas truck again-I love my oversized truck! We all fit comfortably, and I can climb over the seat and nurse, change diapers and such without having to move kids around. (The hubby drives a diesel VW Bug-does that make me look "greener"?It gets over 50mpg)

I do not have the best patience, I sometimes swear in front of my children when I am mad (daily...), I am way less than perfect. I chose the Robinson Curriculum because the kid teaches themselves.

I am not a teacher-I am a mom-I am their first teacher-but I am not in anyway a math, reading, writing, history kind of teacher. I can only teach them what I know-and frankly, that is not all that much. My lack of patience is what makes me scared to try anything else.

Yesterday, my oldest was crying because I had to have her re-write her writing lesson for the 3rd or 4th time-she did not follow directions, she messed up, she had to re-do it. It felt like a smack in the face!

My kids attended public school last year, the first 3 weeks of summer vacation, they drove me INSANE! Once they got into the groove of being alone, being outside, no electronics...they excelled! They learned to PLAY again. They play with the doll house, the legos, the sandbox, they swing, they jump on the trampoline...they create "worlds"...they turned into KIDS again. Who am I to take that away from them?

I want my kids to have fond memories of their childhood. I want them to grow up happy, and to love and be kind. I want more than anything to have done a good job as a mother. I am scared as hell of not offering the right things and them being stuck in my house at 30 because they cannot get a good job.  I want to do right by my kids-but I DO NOT KNOW what that is!

I love the idea of "unschooling" my children, but what about state laws? How does it work? Do I require "anything" of them? Do I have to take them on field trips? How does this work? What about reading, writing, math...??? What if they can't get into college? I want them to be kids, and enjoy being a kid-but eventually they will have to grow up! What if by letting them choose their own path, they never read a book because they do not have the drive to learn to read? What do I need to have? how do I need to act? I am so lost!

Right now, my 5 year old is sitting at the kitchen table, quietly finishing up her writing assignment...probably day dreaming. My 7 year old is playing with her doll house-entertaining her almost 1 year old brother...who do you think looks happier?

I do not want to rely on others for me to make my decision, I do not want to NEED friends...It is lonely on our almost 3 acres. I have learned it is not always a good idea to "talk shop" with other homeschool moms-some are judgy and I am simply looking for my path. I try to reach out to new people, and often feel shot down...I want my kids to have friends, hell, I WANT TO HAVE FRIENDS...I have a few...I hope they stick around as I get my shit together and try to figure out who the hell I am and how I can raise my family the way I want to.

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