Thursday, January 16, 2014

Not so great a blogger

So, here is the deal: I know I am not the best blogger! This "blog" is more of my personal diary-that the world CAN see if they so choose! Call me lame (please don' isn't very nice!) but blogging/vlogging helps me feel like I have an outlet-like I am not alone. I have grown so much in the past 2 years-in learning about myself and my children. Putting it all out there makes me reflect more upon how I am living my life. With that said-I attempted a couple of videos!! They are not great, I have no clue what I am doing-but they are real! Let me tell you, recording a video with 3 kids in the house is NOT easy! I lost count of how many I trashed before just saying "to hell with it, this one is GOOD ENOUGH".


I roll my eyes when I am thinking-I hate looking at the screen. I also sniffle A LOT, I have an egg allergy, but we have over 30 hens-hence LOTS OF EGGS.

Below is my second video.

First, I am going to ramble on a bit about what led up to this video. Stick with me! I will do this in my random, horrible sentence structure kind of way.

I am trying to type this before Torrin has a melt down and really needs me. It is a wonderful 31 degrees outside right now, so we spent 45 minutes in the snow, he LOVED it (first time ever playing in snow!) As much fun as he had, it was also a LOT of fresh air for him, so he is going to probably need a nap very soon! Everything I do is on his schedule, so please, don't judge too harshly! (look at me caring what others think again...I gotta stop that! This is my safe haven, MY page...Deep down I know if you don't like it, you can leave...)

I made this video with some things in mind. I have my parenting questioned on a regular basis. Normally friends or family do not understand why I do things the way I do. I am trying like mad to surround myself with people who GET it. People I can learn from. By surrounding myself with people who just do not get it, I often wondered off of the path I know to be right for my family. Surrounding myself with negative hateful people, made me a cranky mom and wife. As much as I hate being lonely, not having many close momma friends has me being a better mom! It is better to be alone in my parenting journey, than to have a bunch of moms around me offering candy bars and then bitching at their kids when they have a hyper reaction to the food colorings and everything else that is in that "treat".

My parenting style has changed a lot in the past few years. ( I am going to randomly give a summary of the past 7 years...)

When I had Zariah 7 1/2 years ago, I fell in love with her instantly. My life was forever changed, she was my world. I still remembering telling family I was pregnant. I told Ryatt first-he was my best friend...My mom just KNEW (she is weird like that!) When I told my in-laws, they were not happy. They love all of my kids to pieces, but I think ME having a baby-sealed the deal-I was in for good...thinking they didn't like that idea very much...ANYWAY I think they kind of like it now, I mean seriously, without me there would not be these three awesome little people! I kind of rock in that way!

Unfortunately, I did not follow my gut, but listened to doctors and family / friends. I remember Zariah's 2 month shots like it was yesterday-hell is the only way to describe it! My gut said NO NO NO to vaccines. I feel like the doctors bullied me into them. I was 18 when she was born, 19 a few months later...I was so young! I was raised where you listen to whomever is in charge (smartest adult present), if I disagreed with an adult, my job was to do as I was told (as long as no harm would come of anyone) and tell my mother about it later. Well, I do not have a degree in anything, so obviously the doctors know what they are doing...right? I don't even want to go into the birth of my first-I wish I could forget parts of it and just fast forward to holding her...This was the beginning of me losing myself.

She was given RICE cereal-way too damn early...I didn't want her to have it-but again, doctors and family said she NEEEEEDED it. (Torrin doesn't even know what that crap is! We skipped right to REAL food)

By the time Zarina came along, I looked at Zariah like she was SUCH a big girl. She was, she really was, but she also should have been allowed to be my baby much, much longer!

Having Zarina just after my 20th birthday did not leave any room for growth on my part. I was a child, with 2 children! I had a nurse tell me she didn't envy me one bit, 2 kids under 16 months apart...she had TWINS and said she had it easier. Now, I don't have twins, so I cannot say one way or the other, but I do know balancing the needs of a young toddler and a preemie infant are NOT easy!

My gut said to make changes, but everyone around me had other ideas. (I wanted to long term breastfeed-and thought my milk had dried up...I wanted to cloth diaper and was made fun of...) I had no backbone! This is funny, since everyone around me said I was outspoken and kind of a bitch. Truth is, I hurt easily! I am not a people pleaser...but I am a big softie and hate being hated. I caved. My house was full of more plastic and junk food and everything I HATE. I yelled at my kids...I sleep trained them (I will forever be haunted by this).  I allowed them to have junk, food colorings, watch too much t.v....I was the NORMAL AMERICAN MOM! I was also dying inside. The TAMIKA in me was just blek.

Zarina weaned earlier than Zariah. I felt like a failure! I wanted to make it to at least 1-if not 2...Zariah only made it to 10.5 months, Zarina to 9.5. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING??

I knew as a baby, I had a milk allergy-but I still went ahead and gave my kids COWS milk. (wonder why Zariah always had croup and eczema...hmmmmm)

Let me try to get sort of back on topic. I was a follower. ME, of all people-ME. I always thought I was a leader, that I made my own path, and here I was listening to others about the most important part of my life-MY CHILDREN.

I lost myself, and was failing my children-and my husband.

I about let my family fall to pieces. I was burnt out. DONE-no more. I was all about convenient and easy. I about let myself fall down a very big spiral.
Nathan's love-his persistence- kept me sort of afloat. We mended our marriage and decided to make a baby...It was time for me to grow the hell up-with him by my side again.

I am not sure what changed me.

-meeting the momma's I met in SC?
---when I met them my kids were not longer "babies", and I kind of just thought most of them were wacko-(I loved them, but thought they were EXTREME!)

-Maybe turning 25? Does turning 25 give you a stronger backbone?

-Maybe...actually PLANNING this baby-like bawling my eyes out when the test came back negative kind of planning

-could it be that the doctors made this pregnancy out to be SO high risk, so much so that I did not get to enjoy being pregnant for fear of never holding my baby boy...

-could it be that when I had this dreamed of baby boy-he was so horrible I thought I was being punished for not simply being happy with the first two kids I had...

Torrin changed me!

He really, truly CHANGED who I am as a person.

After wanting my boy for so long, only to be told me might not make it to term (we made it to 36 weeks=totally healthy-only jaundice).

To have my baby, with what had to be the fastest labor on planet earth (Hurt like HELL-try to run a marathon in a minute...that is what it is like to be in labor for less than 5 hours. You still have to get from point A to point B-and super fast just means LOTS and LOTS of pain quickly!)

Have him be only hours old, and let NOTHING sooth his cries. Him needing a breast so badly, so much that my nipples bled and hurt, only to leave us both bawling.

Having a baby in constant pain, though the doctors just called him "sensitive".

Learning to not trust the doctors, to do my own doctoring. Changing MY diet to save my child from pain.

I started eating cleaner because of my son. My whole family changed because of this miracle baby. I learned to follow my gut!

Learning to listen to myself, and to ask others for their advice, or ideas-but to KNOW that my gut would show me the way-it what works for us!

My kids are homeschooled because I listen to my gut. I ask other homeschool moms for advice, or how they do things, but at the end of the day, only I can know what is right for my kids.

When I started this homeschool bit-I had all of these ideas and ideals. Well, that all went out the window and I am learning my kids do better with a more relaxed, unschooled environment. They are learning to love learning. It isn't being forced! They are experimenting, they are free in their home. I am learning right along side them! There is less yelling and nagging, and more OFFERING to help! It is kind of awesome!

Don't mind the mess too much. Last night, Nathan was stocking up our indoor wood pile, and Zariah decided to help out! He didn't ask for help, she offered! They worked together and saw it faster to pass it through the window. Zarina saw what was going on-and hopped into the mix to help out as well!
This naked baby is the reason the video happened. My parenting was questioned-because I chose not to fight him to FORCE him into wearing a diaper. I was asked "Who is in charge, who is the boss..." I replied that I do not want to be the boss of these amazing children, I want to guide them...not force things on them. Honestly-who is it hurting that he is running around nude for a few days? Look how happy he is! (he loves to read books-just have to remind him to not close the book on his penis!)
Now that I have been super random for quite some time-here is the video.

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