Friday, February 7, 2014

Defend those you love, don't give up on others...

Before I start today's post, here is my video entry from last week. I am debating more kids...how do you know when you are done?

Today's issue...
I am not sure how to go about this. Anyone that stumbles onto this page knows I am pretty much an open book. I know this isn't a very good "blog", but rather an outlet for ME. I don't have a mission in life with this page, I post recipes, talk about life, and show you my ugly home...

If you enjoy reading my page, then COOL-if not...no harm. If you don't enjoy it-well, then stop reading.
I live in rural Wisconsin. I am very much alone (except for kids and pets) most days. To be a good mom and wife, I need a place to spill, this is that place. With that said, I also do filter (hard to believe, huh!?!?) a lot before posting it.

As I have said before, my family is a bit messed up. Most families are, I know we are not that special.

I dream of my brother and his baby girl at least once a week, I wake up sad, hurt, and sometimes angry. She is just over a month old now...and I have never met her...

My girls miss their uncle, and I miss who I thought was my best friend. ANYWAY... our family is messed up on both sides. (all sides for that matter...)

My husbands family is no exception, they have family issues as well (all families do...)

They love him and these kids so deeply, but they also would rather ignore problems than addressing them in an adult manner. I did not grow up in a family where things went ignored, we sort of dealt with stuff right then and there...not always the best way either...not always the "mature" way either.

Nathan deals with things the way his family did/does, unless it an issue with "US". In our marriage, we try to address problems rather than ignoring them and hoping they will go away. We know, that sometimes, after trying and trying, it is best to let things go...but out of respect and with compassion. We do not just try to avoid a situation, only to make it an issue later. Saying hurtful things just to hurt is never a good idea. We have chosen to stay together for almost 12 years-you know damn well we have had our ups and downs...choosing to move past stuff and respect each other is the only way.

I am not a fan of fakeness...I would prefer you hate me to my face vs talking shit behind my back. I do not expect everyone to like me, I do not mind being disliked...I just am not a fan of people speaking my name in an ill manner. It will always make its way back around, and that isn't fair to my kids, to know people they love feel so negatively about their mother.

If you have nothing nice to say...well, you know how that goes!

What extended family does not realize is this: Nathan would give up every last person he is related to (except for his kids) to make me happy. Before you blow a fuse-keep reading...

What I have had to explain to Nathan is this :

THAT IS NOT WHAT I WANT!

That is the cowards way out!

You do not ever turn your back on your family, not until you have TRIED.

If you can nicely tell your family/friends that they will NOT disrespect your spouse/partner, whether
you are around or not-and they do not accept it-feel free to walk away.

BUT you do not just turn your back on your family without giving them a chance to see your side, and meet your needs.

What they don't know: I am the reason he has a relationship with you. ME...ME ALONE. I have a heart, I want to see the good in everyone. Even when I am 90% sure you will never like me, may stab me in the back if given half a chance, and probably have plenty of nasty things to say about me... I am the one saying GIVE THEM A CHANCE. Tell them the rules that need to be established. Tell them you expect respect.

I sometimes feel like the only adult in the room. I am the one telling Nathan to open up, ask questions, and set limits. He does not know HOW to do this, it is so much easier to make small talk and never really "invest" himself.

I will not make choices for him. I won't lie to him about how things make me feel either.

What I have come to learn (with the help of a friend...) I do not need/have to be in a relationship with everyone in my "family" or my husbands "family".
The most important people in my life, live in this house.
My husband can have a relationship with his mother/brother/uncle/cousin...or Joe Blow from work...but that does not mean that I have to be a part of it.

There is no reason for me to be uncomfortable and sit across from "the enemy" over a meal...I don't need to make small talk with people who truly hate me.

My husband however, can have relationships on his own with these people if it makes him happy.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Life is TOO damn short, there is no reason to be in a "relationship" that you are not wanted in...it is also selfish and cowardly to give up on relationships that can mean so much to you, thinking it will make someone else happy. Give the ones you love a chance before saying good-bye...

I do not ever want my husband to give up on a meaningful relationship because of me. What does that teach our kids? If they get married-they should turn their backs on their siblings or us because their spouse doesn't get along with us? HELL NO.

Rules need to be established, things DO need to be said. People need to know that I matter to Nathan and these kids. They can hate me, but they have no right to speak my name if they cannot say something nice. If you wouldn't dream of saying it TO my children or husband, it has no right to leave your lips. Simple.As.THAT.

I know I said this a bit one sided-but the truth is...nobody speaks ill of Nathan to me. Nobody speaks ill of Nathan and has it get back to me...because they know I wouldn't put up with it. Same goes for family. If I want to say my so-and-so is being a bitch or being stupid...whatever, but don't you even dream of it. I will defend those I love until my last breath, as it should be.

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